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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house;
every creature was armed, right down to the mouse;
The claymores were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug ‘neath their beds,
While visions of mayhem danced in their heads;
And ma in her flack vest, and I in steel cap,
Had just settled down for a nice winter's trap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I fired off a flare to see what was the matter.

Then through the window flamed rockets bright flash
It blew open the shutters and blasted the sash.
The moon glowing red on the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of blood to the objects below,
What then, what to my horrified eyes should appear,
But a heavily armed elf, and eight armored reindeer!

With a spray of bullets accurate and thick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he cussed and he ranted, and called them by name

"Now, Blucher! Now, Killer! Now, Stomper and Hexen!
On, Werewolf! On Basher! On, Crusher and Blitzen!
Set fire to the porch! Then shatter the wall!
Now Blast away! Blast away! We’ll kill them all!"
 

As perverts that after the innocent fly,
When they meet with a victim, pounce from on high,
So up through the flames the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of weapons, and St. Nicholas too.
The reindeer with their horns they ripped at the roof,
Causing great damage with each iron shod hoof.
And then, in a twinkling, there came through the ceiling
A rocket grenade that blasted me reeling.

As I drew my Luger, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in Kevlar, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes filled with pockets to carry off loot;
A bundle of rockets he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a berserker out to attack.
 

His guns how they roared! The casings they fall!
The tracers how pretty as they stitched the wall!
His phosphorous grenades he tossed everywhere,
And the flames of the house set fire to my hair.
The fuse of a bomb he held tight in his teeth,
While Ma’s counter-fire swept his head like a wreath;
The kids fired a few rounds into his belly,
That shook, when they hit like a bowlful of jelly.
He was viscous and savage, a brutal old elf,
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself.


He set the fuse to a large powder keg,
Then the mouse set tooth to Santa’s right leg.
He kicked loose the mouse that gnawed through the fuse,
And said those words that drunk sailors use.
He tossed Willie Peter in an olive green ball,
This caused an explosion that destroyed half the hall,
Then shot-up the closet, in hopes of some prey;
Santa was having a wonderful day!

He reset the fuse; then turned with a jerk,
Whose chattering usi did murderous work.
The explosion threw the chimney up into the sky;
It’s really a wonder we all did not die.
He sprang through the wreckage, to his jerk gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, and thanks man, for the fight."

 

This is the last, and in my mind the best, of my Christmas Project 2014 posts. I thought, when I wrote this, of how it would be if there was one family on Earth who would see the approach of Santa as an attack; and what if Santa liked to fight! You have the result of that thought. I wrote it almost ten years ago, between calls at a crisis hotline. Despite what you are lead to believe, the few days before Christmas are slow at crisis hotlines. I finished in about 45 minutes, then showed it to a Doctoral Candidate who pronounced me "One sick F***. Brilliant, but a sick f***." I hope you agree!
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:iconghostrider67867:
Ghostrider67867 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is coooooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!
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:icongrassa48:
grassa48 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad that it gave you enjoys.
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:iconghostrider67867:
Ghostrider67867 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Good!
Reply
:iconimdraproc:
Imdraproc Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2016
This song is darkly hilarious, and will surely bring a smile to everyone stressed out over the Christmas hullabaloo.
This also reminds me of when my brother and I once tried to calculate Santa's logistics - he would need a sled twice the size of the RMS Titanic, some 180 000 magic flying reindeer, and travel five times the speed of sound. 

It also makes me want to see a parody of "Messing about on the River".  It could be about a mad captain along the lines of  Ahab, trying to catch the Loch Ness monster (instead of the white whale), for example.
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:icongrassa48:
grassa48 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you like it.
Reply
:iconjairusnapoleon:
jairusnapoleon Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2015

 

Brings me back childhood memories, when I played “battles” and fought with my sisters for Santa’s  presents on Christmas Eve J …Homesickness…

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:icondenitatwodragons:
DenitaTwoDragons Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2015
For some reason the poem combined with :iconsyltorian:'s comment reminded me of the Invader Zim Christmas Special...and I almost blew grog all over my keyboard. But at least my sinuses smell pleasantly of lime and rum now. 

I don't care if it's off-season or not. That thar is some funny schtuff, man. :-)
Reply
:icongrassa48:
grassa48 Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the kind words. Funny is funny year round I my arrogant opinion.
Reply
:iconbrowncoatmando:
BrowncoatMando Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2015  Hobbyist
part of the Santa legend did come from Odin... 
We know Vikings fought...
Reply
:iconsyltorian:
Syltorian Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2014
And that is why, ever since, people light fires in the chimneys throughout the world, and get the children out of sight. 
Reply
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