'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house;
every creature was armed, right down to the mouse;
The claymores were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug ‘neath their beds,
While visions of mayhem danced in their heads;
And ma in her flack vest, and I in steel cap,
Had just settled down for a nice winter's trap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I fired off a flare to see what was the matter.
Then through the window flamed rockets bright flash
It blew open the shutters and blasted the sash.
The moon glowing red on the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of blood to the objects below,
What then, what to my horrified eyes should appear,
But a heavily armed elf, and eight armored reindeer!
With a spray of bullets accurate and thick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he cussed and he ranted, and called them by name
"Now, Blucher! Now, Killer! Now, Stomper and Hexen!
On, Werewolf! On Basher! On, Crusher and Blitzen!
Set fire to the porch! Then shatter the wall!
Now Blast away! Blast away! We’ll kill them all!"
As perverts that after the innocent fly,
When they meet with a victim, pounce from on high,
So up through the flames the reindeer they flew,
With the sleigh full of weapons, and St. Nicholas too.
The reindeer with their horns they ripped at the roof,
Causing great damage with each iron shod hoof.
And then, in a twinkling, there came through the ceiling
A rocket grenade that blasted me reeling.
As I drew my Luger, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in Kevlar, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes filled with pockets to carry off loot;
A bundle of rockets he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a berserker out to attack.
His guns how they roared! The casings they fall!
The tracers how pretty as they stitched the wall!
His phosphorous grenades he tossed everywhere,
And the flames of the house set fire to my hair.
The fuse of a bomb he held tight in his teeth,
While Ma’s counter-fire swept his head like a wreath;
The kids fired a few rounds into his belly,
That shook, when they hit like a bowlful of jelly.
He was viscous and savage, a brutal old elf,
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
He set the fuse to a large powder keg,
Then the mouse set tooth to Santa’s right leg.
He kicked loose the mouse that gnawed through the fuse,
And said those words that drunk sailors use.
He tossed Willie Peter in an olive green ball,
This caused an explosion that destroyed half the hall,
Then shot-up the closet, in hopes of some prey;
Santa was having a wonderful day!
He reset the fuse; then turned with a jerk,
Whose chattering usi did murderous work.
The explosion threw the chimney up into the sky;
It’s really a wonder we all did not die.
He sprang through the wreckage, to his jerk gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and thanks man, for the fight."