Dinner last night was an adventure. It all began after I finished chasing a bear out from under the storage shed. Dratted bear believes that he has a right to live under there, dinning upon the berries and squirrels that infest my yard. But that’s another story.
I showered, put on a suit for camouflage and walked down to a local eatery. The eatery shall remain nameless for reasons soon to be revealed. As I entered the restaurant the maître d greeted me. “Do you have reservations?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said, “but I’m hungry enough to throw caution to the winds and eat here anyway.”
“Oh, thank you, sir!” he responded. Showing me to a table the maître d said “This is our nicest table. Your server will be with you soon.”
“Thank you” I said.
After a few moments a fellow in the uniform of the place walked over to me. “My name is Paul. I’ll be your server tonight. How are we today?”
“Hungry enough to devour a horse” was my response.
“Very good. How would you like your equine prepared?”
“Wait. No. Let me have your special of the day.”
“Absolutely!” said Paul as he walked off into the kitchen. After a few moments he returned with a salad. A large caterpillar feasted upon wilted greens.
“Hold on, Paul. There is a caterpillar in my salad!”
“Oh, how lucky, sir!” said Paul, “here is your complementary packet of hot mustard!” He handed me that thing.
“Take this away, Paul.”
“Of course, sir, if that is your desire. I shall return with your soup.” He did that thing. A bit of an idiot was Paul, but an efficient waiter.
As soon as I began to consume my soup, I noticed a large cockroach floundering in it. “Paul! What is this insect doing in my soup?”
“I do believe that is the backstroke” he answered.
“Take this away and bring me my entre.”
“But of course, sir.”
Paul brought me a plate of something he swore was food. I didn’t even wait for him to step off before I inquired “Paul, do you expect me to eat this garbage?”
“Not at all sir. There’s food there. Poke around, you’ll find it.”
“This is disgusting!” I exclaimed. “Take it away. I’ll try the Chef’s Surprise.”
Paul gave me a questioning look as he went to place my order. I should have fled. It was no more than two minutes before I found my ear being invaded by the chef’s penis. What a pervert. I laid him out with two stiff blows to his mid-section. I must confess that I used very nasty words as he crawled back to his lair.
“Paul” I said, I’m giving this place one more chance. Bring me a hotdog. No one can ruin a hotdog.” If only I knew then what I know now. Instanter an aroused pit bull was humping my leg. I kicked him off and made to leave.
“Sir! said the maître d, are you going to pay for your meal?”
“The rat said to put it on his tab.”
“A generous rodent he is, sir.”
“Unlike the movie icon, I’m not coming back!”
“Probably for the best, sir. Have a good night!”